Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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