you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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