im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
My breath smells like gin and sadness
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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