where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
