Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
