I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
