my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
