What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
