hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
