I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
