Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
