im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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