You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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