I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
