Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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