I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
