3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
