wrigley field is MILF paradise
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
