I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
