my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
