I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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