I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
