Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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