I need help removing her.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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