Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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