he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
