If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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