I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
