someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
