I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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