FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
