two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
