btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
