I checked into jail on foursquare
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Found the puke drawer
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
