I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
me + whiskey = a bad person
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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