I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I think i got beer on your cat.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
