I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
