I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
