its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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