why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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