She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
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