Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
