hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I need to calm my uterus...
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
