what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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