Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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