why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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