the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
