Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
