what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
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