how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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