just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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